Whether or not to have children is a decision that countless people make at a given moment in their lives for a specific reason or because it is something they have been clear about for a long time. It is possible that you know that you want to be a mother or a father because you see it as one of the Steps indispensable in your development as a person since you were very young or that it is something that you considered at a later age and with a more established life. However, the problem can come when your partner does not want to have children and you do or vice versa.
The reasons why a person decides that they do not want to have children can be really varied and personal. Economic stability , the incompatibility of maternity/paternity with the professional projects of each person, the lack of time or the individual's own childhood experiences can influence this decision, but there are occasions when it is simply known that one does not want to have children. . Then, What do you do if you want to and your partner doesn't?
I wish we could give you an action sheet with each fully detailed step to face this very complicated reality, but we already anticipate that this is one of those couple differences where there is no quick fix And simple. Considering whether or not you want to bring a baby into the world is not something you can decide by chance or taking it lightly without taking into account the wishes and needs of the person with whom you have a romantic relationship. Fortunately, there are a number of expert advice in relationships and psychologists who can help you navigate this difference with the person you love.
To a greater or lesser extent, relationships develop with a future together in the short, medium or long term in mind. The psychologist Carmen Manich Tobeck coincides with the vast majority of professionals, psychologists and psychiatrists when it comes to framing the desire to start a family or not as one of the key points for a couple to stay together over time.
In an interview with the ABC newspaper, Howard J. Markman, a professor of psychology at the University of Denver and one of the leading researchers on couples, marriage and divorce, says that one of the signs that a relationship is not has a future is "that there is no fundamental agreements about what is wanted for the future”. With this, we do not mean that you should end your relationship, but it is true that it is important to know that not agreeing on whether or not to have children is a compelling reason by which affective relationships wear out over time.
It is likely that regardless of whether one party yields, Frictions are created , there are grudges or thoughts of regret that cannot be corrected in the future. If we normally look for a person compatible with us in terms of priorities, hobbies, ways of seeing life, values and beliefs, the desire to start a family or not.
Couple with compatible life plans. (Pexels)
My partner does not want children, what do I do?
All the possible assumptions why a person may not want children makes it impossible for us to list the courses of action one by one, but we can leave a couple of tips and things to take into account from professionals to facilitate decision-making, which in the end is always our goal.
If you and your partner have had a conversation where it has become clear that one of you does not want children, you should know that it is a fundamental difference that can affect your relationship radically. There are couples who have managed to negotiate and move forward together because one of the two has decided to give up their position and they are happy with the agreement, but this does not always happen .
- Like any relationship crisis, navigating it will take work.
Surely it is not the first time that you and your partner have faced a difficult decision or have gone through a crisis, so you probably know that to overcome it you need to spend time and work on it a level emotional . Our advice is to be patient and find moments of fun and disconnection as a couple that will help you distract your mind from your difference in terms of future wishes .
Being patient will help you navigate the differences. (Pexels)
- Establish healthy communication spaces
Every couple relationship must find moments to talk calmly seeking mutual understanding and trying to set aside judgments and the accusations. If your partner does not want children and you do, it is essential that you spend time talking and explore their positions without this necessarily triggering an argument.
A good way to do this is to talk calmly, taking turns if necessary, so as not to interrupt each other and for each party to express their feelings and opinions with the certainty that they are being heard. If there comes a time when the conversation rises in tone, it is better take a break on time and resume it at another time where they have reflected and meditated on what was said.
- Talk to understand and not to debate
Many times we talk to our partner about a difference trying to bring them to our position and we don't take the time to pay attention and understand what they are saying.
One way to talk about your difference in wanting to start a family is to ask each other the question: Why do you want or don't want to have a baby? It seems obvious, but surely if you take the time to reflect on your answers you will find many more nuances, reasons and explanations regarding your own position and that of the other person that will help you understand each other better.
Listening from empathy and affection is fundamental. (Pexels)
It is not just about saying "I want" or "I don't want" but to understand what are the motivations behind each position. For example, your partner may not want to have children because they believe that you do not have the economic stability now to support a baby, because they think that as a couple you are not in the best moment or because they have not dealt with problems from their own childhood that they make believe that he will not be a good father or a good mother. These three cases could have solutions that can be explored before making a decision. decision end .
It is essential at this point that you be as sincere, honest and transparent as possible. If you have hermetic positions that you are not willing to abandon, the most responsible thing to do with your partner is to tell them even if it could hurt them.
Determine a time when you can have the conversation again to see if their positions have changed or the circumstances for which they do not want to have children have changed (whether financial, personal or professional) is a good course of action if you cannot reach an agreement at present and do not want to put an end to the relationship.
However, when we talk about older couples, this is not always an option, since it has been shown that from the age of 35 on average women experience a drop in your fertile levels and conceiving a baby naturally can be more difficult after a certain age. If your partner wants to wait 5 years to have children and you are already 35, it is not the same as waiting 5 years at 25. On the other hand, pre-existing conditions such as polycystic ovaries or endometriosis can be another incentive to seek to have children at a younger age , as some disorders can cause female infertility .
If you want to know more about your fertile health, we advise you to carry out a consult with your gynecologist and carry out the pertinent tests such as the anti-mullerian hormone that can guide you about your ovarian reserve.
Going to couples therapy can help them explore the crisis. (Pexels)
If you and your partner do not agree, the healthiest thing to do would be end the relationship no matter how painful it may seem at first. However, if you are not ready to take that step, have not been able to come to a conclusion and want to stay together, it may be for the best. go to couples therapy to be able to explore the possibilities that you have at the hands of a professional.
Having children is the greatest illusion of many people in the world and finding out that your partner, the person you love and with whom you could start planning a life, does not want the same thing is a really hard blow. Trusting that he will change his mind is not the best course of action because while it may happen, it may not, and that it would be so painful how to end the relationship on time and look for a person who shares your life project . On the other hand, single-parent families of single women who resort to donor insemination or of single men who opt for adoption or surrogate gestation (outside Spain) are a reality to take into account. Fortunately, there are options so that you achieve your dream of being a mother or father.
